From Steve Cornell
The fact of Marriage:
Marriage is God’s plan for human beings and has been practiced ever since God instituted it (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:4-6). The first human relationship was a marriage and history will end with a marriage between Jesus Christ and His bride, the Church. “Anthropologists tell us marriage, a permanent linking of men and women, is found in every civilized and uncivilized society throughout human history. Theologically, marriage is the first human institution. Sociologically, marriage is the glue that holds communities together, regulates sexuality, civilizes the home and provides for the proper development of the next generation. (Citizenlink). “Marriage between a man and a woman is the central, social building block in every human society, without exception. Monogamous, lifelong marriage is the universal norm.” (Gary Chapman)
The nature of marriage:
God ordained marriage as a relationship between one man and one woman. An evolving definition from Webster, 1913 “The act of marrying, or the state of being married; legal union of a man and a woman for life, as husband and wife; wedlock; matrimony.” In 1992, Webster’s Comprehensive Dictionary defined marriage as “the institution under which a man and a woman become legally united on a permanent basis.” 2003 Merriam-Webster (1) “The state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law (2) the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage.
Biblical definition of marriage:
Marriage is God’s gift to humans. It was given to resolve the problem of human loneliness by providing a complimentary companionship (“The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18). As originally designed, it is meant to be an exclusive (leaving) and permanent (cleaving/be united), one-flesh relationship. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24-25).
One-flesh union
The one-flesh union of marriage is more than just two bodies uniting. It is a person-to-person fusion of two lives celebrated by physical union. The physical union is the consummation of a God-formed bond. Physical union does not constitute a marriage nor necessitate one.
Using a one-flesh description, the apostle warned believers that a casual visit to a prostitute establishes a union that is far more profound then mere physical union. It is tearing each other apart by joining each other together (I Corinthians 6:16-18). But the physical union alone does not constitute the one-flesh bond intended as marriage (Matthew 1:18-19; John 4:16-18).
Marriage as a covenant:
The covenant nature of marriage is clearly mentioned in the Old Testament book of Malachi: “Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel, and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.” (Mal. 2:13-16).
Unlike contracts, typically entered into for personal advantage, convenience and limited time, the marriage covenant is entered for the purpose of love and devotion, mutuality of care and responsibility, and permanence.
Marriage as a life-long relationship:
Jesus affirmed the original teaching about marriage when he said, “Haven’t you read, that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6)
From Jesus words, we learn that marriage is intended as a life-long relationship (what God has joined together, let man not separate). Honoring the teaching of our Lord, in their wedding ceremony, the bridegroom and bride solemnly promise to love, honor and cherish each other, and to remain faithful to each other for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death separates them.
Four essentials for Marriage Relationships God’s original plan for the marriage relationship involved four essential elements:
1. Exclusivity: One man/one woman in lifelong monogamy
2. Uniqueness: Leaving your home of origin and establishing a new family.
3. Permanence: A man is to be united to his wife—a word that means to hold fast to with unswerving loyalty.
Remember the wedding vow: “Till death causes us to part; As long as we both shall live.” Jesus said, “What God has joined together let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6).
4. Extra ordinary care: Ephesians 5:25, 28-29; John 10:11-13. Exodus 21:10 “…he must not deprive… her of food, clothing and marital rights.” Vows: “Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?”
Reflection:
When husbands and wives respect each one of the four essential elements: exclusivity, uniqueness, permanence and care, they strengthen their marriages. A failure to respect any one of the essentials will weaken and harm the marriage relationship. A key reason many marital problems occur is a failure to understand, respect and live by the God-intended essence of marriage.
Marriage: Equality and Roles
In Scripture, equality is reflected in the first marriage as the man and woman were created in the image of God and given co-regency over the created order (Genesis 1:26-28). For believers in Christ, marriage is a covenant of companionship between two spiritually equal human beings (Galatians 3:26-28). Yet equality does not mean eliminate roles in a marriage relationship. Nor do roles in marriage diminish the requirement for mutual love and respect.
According to scripture, the husband bears primary responsibility to lead the home in a God-glorifying manner. His leadership clearly involves authority and should be honored by his wife and family Ephesians 5:22-24, 33; 6:1-3). This authority, however, should be based on love (see: Ephesians 5:25, 33, w/ John 10:11-13; I Corinthians 13:4-8a) and thoughtful consideration (see: Philippians 2:3-5). Scripture warns against husbands who treat their wives with insensitivity (see I Peter 3:7). Husbands must never forget that they are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Cultural limitations should not be placed on this command any more than on the command for wives to submit to and respect their husbands. Biblical requirements for male leadership in the home were not conditioned on cultural factors.
The purposes for marriage
1. Companionship (Genesis 2:18; Malachi 2:14)
2. Completion (Genesis 2:18)
3. Continuance (Genesis 1:28- of the human race)
4. Cooperation (Genesis 1:28)
5. Care: (Exodus 21:10-11; 1 Corinthians 7:15)
6. Communication (Genesis 1:27; of God’s image and Ephesians 5- Christ’s relationship with his people)
7. Constraint (I Corinthians 7:3-5)
Divorce and Remarriage:
Permission for divorce:
Although divorce was permitted in some cases under the Old Testament economy, Jesus Christ taught that this was an accommodation and not God’s plan from the beginning. When pressed further as to why divorce was permitted, Jesus clarified that, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.” Jesus then added an exception: “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9; cf. Matthew 5:31, 32).
The discovery of marital unfaithfulness on the part of one’ spouse is a permitted grounds for divorce. In Old Testament Law, adultery (a clear case of marital unfaithfulness), ended the marriage because adultery was a capital offence.
Deuteronomy 22:22 “If a man is found sleeping with another man’s wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die.”
Leviticus 20:10 “If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife–with the wife of his neighbor–both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.”
Adultery under Old Testament Law ends the marital relationship by death. The disciples of Jesus lived under Roman rule and could not exercise rights of capital punishment. Perhaps Jesus’ teaching is a way of honoring the original intention of the Law of God. All views on divorce and remarriage agree that if your mate dies, you are free to remarry.
Reasons for Divorce:
1. Adultery (Deuteronomy 24:1-4; affirmed by Jesus in Matthew 19)
2. Neglect and abandonment (Exodus 21:10-11; affirmed by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:15)
Permission for remarriage:
When your spouse is deceased, you are free to remarry (Rom 7:2-3; I Corinthians 7:39). Beyond this, Jesus assumed remarriage in his teaching in Matthew 19:9 when he added the phrase “and marries another…” A divorce obtained for reasons other than marital unfaithfulness, according to Jesus, makes remarriage an adulterous relationship.
Jesus’ words should be understood as a provision not a prescription or command. This is an important distinction because Scripture does prescribe forgiveness and reconciliation as the highest ethical calling for the believer. Since believers have been forgiven by God of their sins and reconciled to God through the sacrificial death of Christ, they should first seek to forgive and be reconciled when sinned against. Therefore, even in cases of unfaithfulness, the prescription of forgiveness and reconciliation should be pursued first. Yet having said this, Jesus does make a clear provision for divorce and remarriage in cases of marital unfaithfulness.
A closer look at I Corinthians 7:13-16– When a believer is abandoned by an unbelieving spouse.
13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? (NASB–a better translation I Corin. 7:13-16)
While it appears that the text makes provision for divorce and remarriage, I do not believe it is the primary purpose of it. A key question focuses on the meaning of the phrases “not bound in such circumstances” and “God has called us to live in peace.” Although many jump quickly to a provision for divorce in this text, the emphasis is on staying together not divorcing (see: vv. 12-13). The key to this interpretation is the “But….For” construction from verses 15 to 16. Unfortunately, the NIV does not retain the exactness of the Greek structure as the NASB does.
In verse 15,– “But” –that is, “in contrast with leaving” —- “God has called us to peace”-– that is, ”seeking to stay together.” This way of interpreting the text is strengthened by the “For” of v. 16 which focuses on potential spiritual influence through ongoing contact and relationship.
The NIV gives the impression that “God has called us to peace” means “you don’t have to live in the bondage of a marriage to an unbeliever.” But, while the text makes a provision for separation, one should not use it as a blank check for divorce and remarriage. Instead, the emphasis is on the believing spouse seeking to reach the unbelieving spouse with the gospel:
Verse 16 —“For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?”
“Not under bondage” does indicate an allowance for marital separation, which in the text, is the choice of the unbeliever to abandon the marriage. But, based on the rest of the text, it would not be right to stretch this to a “just let him go” attitude without some kind of effort to preserve and protect the union—with the aim of Christian witness. The text simply does not go on to explain where the marriage itself “ends up.” This is where pastoral counseling must do a case by case evaluation and include application of other biblical principles. It could be the case that a believer is abandoned by an unbeliever and the believer has done all he/she can to preserve the marriage. We (the Church) must not jump to superficial judgments when hearing of a separation.
Marital Separation:
Many who endure the unhappiness of a failing marriage see divorce as their only option. Yet while obtaining a divorce is relatively easy, it almost always results in an emotional bombshell. No matter how much anticipated and planned, divorce is more difficult and painful than imagined. On a personal level, it rouses guilt, anger and insecurity while shattering self-confidence. Socially, it complicates interpersonal relationships — especially when children are involved. Financially, it is usually a lose-lose arrangement. Don’t be fooled. Divorce is never an easy solution to a troubled marriage. But, if divorce is difficult for marriage partners, it is far worse for children caught in the middle.
In some cases marital separation is a necessary first step in saving a marriage. This is especially true where a clear pattern of abuse exists including substance abuse, severe financial irresponsibility, unending emotional and/or verbal abuse, psychological breakdown and abrogation of marital commitments. Each case must be weighed based on its own set of circumstances and level of severity.
For church leaders, it is often tedious and time consuming to discern the whole truth about the condition of a marriage. In most cases, meetings with both parties separately and together are essential for complete assessment. This takes time—something those in crisis don’t feel they have. But marital demise usually involves extended patterns of neglect and alienation intertwined with self-deception and selfish behavior. This fact, along with the high levels of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion, makes the road to reconciliation difficult.
Leaders must be aware of patterns of deceit and selfishness that often color individual perspectives on failing marriages. Seeking the truth requires time, patience and wisdom. When Couples are in crisis mode, they often expect help and answers immediately. Sometimes crisis intervention must come first. But leaders must not be drawn into hasty reactions or conclusions based on the desperate state of the marriage.
Church response:
Marital failure will sometimes occur within churches and people often turn to a Church for help regarding their martial problems. When marriages fail in a Church, pastors must resist the temptation of reacting in a way that is more concerned with their image in the eyes of the congregation. Church members must be encouraged to respect the thoughtful process pastors apply when trying to handle matters wisely. They must be encouraged to pray for their leaders and avoid jumping to conclusions about circumstances in the at-risk marriage. Hard and fast conclusions are not always immediately available and judgments based on appearance or Church talk should be avoided. The Church must also realize that while pastors help troubled marriages, they carry many other responsibilities that cannot be neglected. Pastors are also limited on what they can ethically share with other members of the congregation.
Structured Separation:
Sometimes when marriages reach a crisis level, structured separation becomes necessary. This type of separation should involve seven components.
1. A specific purpose statement for separation related to the problems in the marriage. This could also include a signed covenant.
2. A set of specific and measurable goals.
3. A projected time frame that does not allow for indefinite separation.
4. A study on biblical themes of forgiveness and reconciliation (see my booklet).
5. Reading “Hope for the Separated” by Gary Chapman
6. A built in accountability with Church leaders and/or a counselor/mentor.
7. A small support team to pray for the marriage and offer tangible help.
Divorce: not the unforgivable sin
Divorce for the wrong reasons is serious but forgivable sin. It is not the unforgivable sin. It, too, can be forgiven in Christ. Repentance will involve not only seeking forgiveness from God but also seeking to reconcile with the ex-spouse and, if possible to restore the marriage. If a divorced person becomes a member of the church, he or she must understand that remarriage will only be condoned by the church when the circumstances prior to the divorce, or following the divorce, fall under the biblical provisions.