“I am sorry.” Easy words to say; It’s another thing to mean them. How do you know if a person who has hurt you is really sorry? This is hard to answer in cases involving repeated offenses.
A disingenuous and unrepentant offender will resent your desire to confirm the genuineness of his confession and repentance. He may resort to lines of manipulation. “I guess you can’t find it in yourself to be forgiving.” “You just want to rub it in my face.” “I guess I should expect that you want your revenge.” “Some Christian you are, I thought Christians believed in love and compassion.”
These lines reveal an unrepentant attitude. Don’t be manipulated into avoiding the step of confirming the authenticity of your offender’s confession and repentance.
Use the seven signs below carefully and with much prayer. It is also recommended (in difficult cases) to seek the help of a wise counselor.
You must be as certain as you can of your offender’s repentance—especially in cases involving repeated offences. It is hard to genuinely restore a broken relationship when the offender is unclear about his confession and repentance.
Remember, even God will not grant forgiveness to one who is insincere about his confession and repentance. The person who is unwilling to forsake his sin will not find forgiveness with God (Proverbs 28:13).
Of course, only God can read hearts– we must evaluate actions. Jesus said, “By their fruit you will recognize them” (Matthew 7:16a). We must not allow superficial appearances of repentance to control our response. Displays of tears or appearing to be sorry must not become substitutes for clear changes in attitude and behavior.
Seven signs of genuine confession and repentance:
The offender:
1. Accepts full responsibility for his or her actions. (Instead of: “Since you think I’ve done something wrong…” or “If have done anything to offend you…”).
2. Accepts accountability from others.
3. Does not continue in the hurtful behavior or anything associated with it.
4. Does not have a defensive attitude about his or her being in the wrong.
5. Does not have a light attitude toward his or her hurtful behavior.
6. Does not resent doubts about his or her sincerity- nor the need to demonstrate sincerity. (Especially in cases involving repeated offenses)
7. Makes restitution wherever necessary.
Note on restitution:
Restitution gives the offender an opportunity to demonstrate by actions that he or she wishes to be restored to the injured person and to society in general. The harder you work to make restitution and repair any damage you have caused, the easier it will be for others to believe your confession and be reconciled to you. Forgiveness does not necessarily release an offender from responsibility to repair the damages caused by his or her actions. An injured party may exercise mercy and choose to waive the right to restitution, but in many cases making restitution is beneficial even for the offender. Doing so demonstrates remorse, sincerity, and a new attitude, which can strengthen reconciliation. At the same time, it serves to establish lessons that will help the offender avoid similar wrongdoing in the future.
Steve Cornell
Wisdomforlife 
Great article! You hit the nail on the head. The subject of forgiveness is a very difficult and touchy one. I once saw a sermon on true repentance and it stuck with me. How do you tell the difference between godly and wordly sorrow. They both can seem the same. I think you did a good good of making it clear how you can tell the difference, This should be taugh to all Christians so we can all differentiate and also be sincere ourselves in repentance.
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What about an offense to the church?
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