Formula E429 could change your life!

One of the best ways to improve our communication is to replace destructive tones with constructive ways of speaking to each other.

Words of appreciation and encouragement are excellent alternatives to ugly tones of grumbling, whining; impatience, frustration and defensiveness.

Think of how many times we could defuse a situation by choosing better words and tones. Parents especially need to ask if their words and tones set the right example for their children. 

Use Formula E429 to remind yourself of God’s will for our speech.

The formula is based on Ephesians 4:29 – “Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” (Ephesians 4:29, NLT).

Then apply a large dose of the first two characteristics of love: “Love is patient, Love is kind…” (I Corinthians 13:4).

This could change your life and the lives of those close to you!

WARNING LABEL

This advice comes with a warning about how easily we excuse our attitudes, words and tones by pointing to the difficult people around us. Remember the basic truth that the only person you can change is yourself. But by working on self-correction and experiencing personal change, we can powerfully influence others. So if you feel stuck in a bad place, find ways that you can change your attitudes, words and tones. But start with the words and tones you use because this discipline will make you face and confront your attitudes and emotions.

Recognize how all of this change fits under the work God is doing in your life. 

“And we all are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit” (II Corinthians 3:17-18, NIV).

“Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him” (Philippians 2:12-13).

I have work to do. Will you join me?

Steve Cornell 

See also: Spiritual Depression

Why marriages don’t last

Sociologist Andrew Cherlin of Johns Hopkins University suggested that the majority of divorces occur within 10 years of the time of marriage because “most people who are unhappily married figure that out quickly.” 

There’s typically more to divorce decisions than happiness, but there is little doubt that our culture has elevated personal happiness to an unrealistic and deeply misguided level of importance. This likely contributes significantly to the pervasive reality of divorce.

Faulty expectations for gregariousness can make life a miserable story. It takes maturity to understand and grow through struggle, sadness, disappointment and hardship. Here’s a simple fact: Marriage is not supposed to make you happy; it’s meant to make you married.

Marriage is not about a feeling of love but an agreement to love. It takes work for marriage to work. Many marriages would improve if husbands and wives placed a greater value on the role of commitment reflected in their wedding vows. 

“Commitment is having a long-term view of marriage that helps us not get overwhelmed by the problems and challenges day-to-day. When there is high commitment in a relationship, we feel safer and are willing to give more for the relationship to succeed” (Dr. William H. Doherty).

Consider 5 commitments for a good marriage.

Steve Cornell

Love’s grand finale

 

“Do everything in love” (I Corinthians 16:14). How can we do this? Go back to the best definition of love available to us: 

I Corinthians 13:4-8

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (I Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV).

Those who practice this kind of love minimize conflict because love is anti-rivalry. Playful rivalry keeps life interesting and fun but when rivalry becomes selfish it violates true love and destroys unity and community. 

A closer look at love

1. Love is patient: It is long-suffering. It restrains anger when provoked. Patience is more than passive waiting. It’s active restraint in the moment of provocation. God is patient (Romans 2:5; II Peter 3:9).

2. Love is kind: It reaches out in good will with acts of care and concern. Love not only patiently forebears, but through kindness, actively pursues. Loving people are distinguished by their kindness. God is kind — even to the ungrateful and wicked (Luke 6:35-36; Titus 3:4-5)

3. Love does not envy: It does not resent the blessings of others. Envious people engage in evil rivalry. The envier gloats over the harm or misfortune of the envied. Enviers delight in evil.

4. Love does not boast: Love corrects the desire to call attention to self. A loving person is not a windbag or braggart. He does not parade himself. Love is willing to work anonymously. It needs no limelight or stage, applause or recognition.

5. Love is not proud: not puffed up; not arrogant; not full of oneself. A loving person does not think more highly of himself than sober judgment dictates (Romans 12:3).

6. Love is does not dishonor others: It is not rude. It is respectful of others.

7. Love is not self-seeking: It does not insist on its own way. It is not self-absorbed.

8. Love is not easily angered: It is not easily agitated nor easily provoked. Loving people are not hot-tempered, short-fused people.

9. Love keeps no record of wrongs: Love seeks forgiveness and reconciliation. When hurt badly, this part of love is hard to practice.

10. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth: This rules out gossip, slander, and Schadenfreude (delight in the downfall of others).

Love’s grand finale – Love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.

There is nothing love cannot face and endure. Four verbs (protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres) offer repeated emphasis on how love brings everything under its influence. Love is tenacious and faithful. Love is positive and hopeful. Love is brave and noble; it never fails.

“Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us” (Ephesians 5:2).

Steve Cornell

7 purposes for marriage

  1. Completion (Genesis 2:18)
  2. Companionship (Genesis 2:18; Malachi 2:14)
  3. Continuance (Genesis 1:28) of the human race)
  4. Coregency (Genesis 1:28)
  5. Care (Exodus 21:10-11; 1 Corinthians 7:15Ephesians 5:25-33)
  6. Communication (Genesis 1:27) of God’s image and Ephesians 5:25-33 – Christ’s and His Church)
  7. Constraint (I Corinthians 7:3-5)

Marriage is God’s gift to humans. It was given to resolve the problem of human loneliness by providing complimentary companionship between a man and a woman (“The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18).

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24-25). As originally designed, it is meant to be an exclusive (leaving) and permanent (cleaving/be united), one-flesh relationship.

Jesus affirmed the original plan for marriage when he said, “Haven’t you read, that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:4-6).

We learn from Jesus that marriage is intended as a life-long relationship (what God has joined together, let man not separate). Brides and bridegrooms honor the teaching of our Lord when they solemnly promise to love, honor and cherish, and remain faithful to each other for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death separates them.

Equality is reflected in the first marriage as the man and woman were created in the image of God and given co-regency over the created order (Genesis 1:26-28). For believers in Christ, marriage is a covenant of companionship between two spiritually equal human beings (Galatians 3:26-28). Yet equality does not eliminate roles in a marriage relationship. Nor do roles in marriage diminish the call to mutual love and respect.

According to Scripture, the husband bears primary responsibility to lead the home in a God-glorifying way. His leadership clearly involves authority and should be honored by his wife and family (Ephesians 5:22-24, 33; 6:1-3). His authority, however, must be based on love (see: Ephesians 5:25, 33, w/ John 10:11-13; I Corinthians 13:4-8a) and thoughtful consideration (see: Philippians 2:3-5).

Scripture warns against husbands who treat their wives with insensitivity (see, I Peter 3:7). Husbands must never forget that they are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Cultural limitations or biases should not be placed on this command any more than on the command for wives to respect their husbands.

Steve Cornell

Dating and Relationship Advice

Dating tends to be a time when people conceal information that marriage will inevitably reveal. This is one reason why we need to guard our hearts and use our brains.

Let your head lead your heart

Do not give your heart to anyone until your head has processed the necessary data to tell you that you are making a wise decision. If you give your heart to a bad relationship, it will be very difficult to talk your head out of it.

Someone once recommended that we should focus on becoming the person that the person we’re looking for is looking for. Start by becoming the person that your future spouse needs. This will more likely lead you to attract and be attracted to the right kind of person.

Develop a mature understanding of love

When couples understand that marriage is not about being in love but an agreement to love; not about feeling loved but truly valuing each other, then they will find the path to deeply meaningful companionship. And (as a result) they usually experience the feelings of love that follow the choice to be loving.

One of the greatest obstacles to loving companionship in marriage is our cultural obsession with personal happiness as a fundamental right – if not, a sign of true mental health. Don’t misunderstand. I am not suggesting we become stoic realists skeptical of pleasure and enjoyment. But I am saying that true and lasting satisfaction come from a refusal to treat felt needs as the highest priorities of life.

“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” (Phil. 2:3-5).  

Steve Cornell

SeeThe path to great relationships

3 essentials to marriage

When a couple takes the traditional marriage vows, they acknowledge three essentials parts to the relationship of marriage.

Marriage is a relationship of extraordinary care (I promise to love, comfort, honor, and cherish), sexually exclusivity (forsaking all others), and permanency (as long as you both shall live) between a man (to be your husband) and a woman (to be your wife).

1. Extraordinary Care

In the vows, a couple of promise to “love, comfort, honor, and keep” each other in any of life’s circumstances: “in joy and in sorrow, in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health.” Couples making this promise don’t intend to care for each other only when times are good. They promise to care for each other when times are bad as well. And if, at the time of the wedding, one of them refused to make that promise, few would be willing to go through with the ceremony.

2. Sexual Exclusivity

When a couple marry, they promise to “forsake all others” and be “faithful” to each other—sexually.  Faithfulness in marriage is so fundamental to the marriage agreement that when the vow is broken, most marriages go into a free fall.  Infidelity ranks as one of the most painful experiences of a betrayed spouse’s life.  Anyone who knew at the time of their wedding that their spouse would eventually have an affair would refuse to marry that person.  It’s that important to remain faithful.

Affairs do not harm just marriages—they also harm children. A child also feels betrayed by a parent who cheats and then lies about it. Can you think of a worse example to a developing child than an unfaithful father or mother?

3. Permanence

A couple who marry promise to remain together “as long as we both shall live,” and that promise is essential to marriage for a host of reasons. The most important reason is that stability and continuity are required for raising children successfully. If a couple were told on the day of their wedding that they would divorce when their children were young and needed them the most, they would stop the ceremony. Even if a couple knew they could only avoid divorce until their children became adults, I’m not sure they would agree to be married. That’s because marriage creates interdependence — both spouses come to need each other in order to thrive. A divorce at any stage of life rips them apart, damaging both of them.