The story of my home life growing up seemed much like a fairy tale. I grew up in a loving and caring home, never lacking anything. I lived with a mother and a father who loved each other and made sure their children were provided for. I was a very happy child who enjoyed life.
I realized later that there were many insecurities and wrong mindsets that I was raised in that I had to break away from and learn how to conquer.
I especially had to conquer childhood fears. Being rejected and imperfect is my ultimate fear. I grew up with an unhealthy and unrealistic belief that I needed to be flawless to be loved.
I did not want to disappoint others, so I created a false image of myself. I would try to impress others by becoming just like them to feel accepted. If people were disappointed in me or did not like me, I would be very upset and try to win them over by doing anything to get their approval, even if it meant going against my values.
I created an unhealthy approval addiction that lasted over thirty years. I cannot say I have fully overcome these insecurities, but I can say I have boundaries.
How I overcame these fears was not a simple task. I had to go back into my past hurts and failures to see the root of the problem. I had to relive moments that I was not proud of and work through the emotions.
As I was trying to find peace from my past, it brought on more guilt and shame into my life. Through trying to process these hurts and failures, I became depressed. I hurt my family with harsh words. I lost friendships due to isolation and I missed big events in my family’s life due to depression.
I was haunted daily by the fear of rejection and loneliness. The fear became a reality, and I created a life filled with negative mindsets and false accusations.
I thought everyone was against me, and I had to protect myself from being hurt again. I tried to look normal on the outside when everything within me was chaotic.
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