Self-blame for traumatic childhood experiences must end. Parents, guardians, or other adults who neglect or abuse children will sometimes shift blame for the abuse onto the child. They might say, “If you weren’t such a difficult kid, you could have had a better life” or “Don’t you think you brought it on yourself?” or “Half of your problems were your own doing.”
Self-blame, a toxic effect of a troubled 18-year factor, is often the basis for a self-limiting belief system children carry from their traumatic experiences into adulthood.
Self-doubt plays a significant role in shaping a child’s mind because of the lies and deceptions that were “normal” to his upbringing. One of the most formidable lies is self-blame for experiences under dysfunctional adults. We must detox this harmful effect by being very clear that we’re not given a choice about the kind of upbringing we experience or the adults who raise us. Many understandably resent this fact. Most, however, retain some degree of self-blame for their upbringing.
Returning responsibility to an abuser should purge the toxicity of self-blame for a lousy upbringing. At its core, it’s a step toward purging the damaging messages sent by abusive parents or other adults.
It’s time to stop making excuses for the hurtful actions of abusers. I am asking you to make a verbal and written transfer of responsibility to the adults responsible for your 18-year factor. Name the adults and the specific ways they hurt you. Remind yourself that these things were not experiences chosen by you and that you are not at fault.
Resolve not to allow others to make you feel responsible or guilty for the actions and words of adult abusers, recognizing that you were the victim.
To be clear, I’m not inviting you to play the blame-game or to become angry and bitter. These kinds of reactions extend victimhood and bind you to the abusers. Don’t be surprised, however, at unexpected emotions when you make a verbal and written transfer of responsibility.
Removing self-blame is emotionally challenging. You are wise to take this step with the help of a trusted friend or counselor.
(From: Steve Cornell, https://www.amazon.com/dp/1798227959/ref=sr_1_2)