Finding the right one (or, how to break up)

Choosing a husband or wife is one of the most important (and often scary) decisions of life.

It’s certainly not a decision to leave to good fortune. As with other important decisions, it’s wise to seek wise counsel about what to look for in a future mate. 

For the past 27 years, I’ve taught a class (each fall semester) on how to choose a mate. My aim is to help singles make one of their most important decisions one of their best decisions.

Some of the headings below are from a few of the articles I use in the class. The various lists provide excellent points for discussions with friends or in premarital counseling and small groups. If you’re interested in any of the articles that go with the different lists below, let us know by email (

Steve Cornell


How to Know If Your in Love: (12 Tests)

  1. The test of time
  2. The test of Knowledge
  3. The test of Focus
  4. The test of singularity
  5. The test of security
  6. The test of work
  7. The test of problem solving
  8. The test of distance
  9. The test of physical attraction
  10. The test of affection
  11. The test of stability
  12. The test of delayed gratification

Five Questions for Personal Evaluation 

  1. As you review the twelve tests for recognizing love, which three do you find it easiest to practice in a relationship?
  2. Which three tests indicate that some aspects of your relationship are rooted in infatuation rather than genuine love?
  3. How does having these twelve measurable factors help you in evaluating your present (or future) relationships?
  4. What one test provided the greatest personal challenge to the way you think about “being in love”?
  5. What specific action steps might help you meet that challenge?

Eight Good Reasons This is Not the One         

  1. You are not in sync spiritually
  2. You see major character flaws
  3. You are not romantically attracted
  4. You are having to work too hard
  5. You are constantly fighting
  6. You have been abused
  7. You are not top priority in his/her life
  8. You are constantly changing to please him/her

Are You in Love With The Wrong One?                 

How do you break it off:                                        

  1. Immediately
  2. Honestly
  3. Tactfully
  4. Courageously
  5. Completely
(From – Chip Ingram,  Love, Sex & Lasting Relationships)

20 Questions About “The Right One”                                       

  1. Can you talk ?
  2. Can you play?
  3. Can you work together?
  4. Do you have mutual friends?
  5. Are you proud of each other?
  6. Are you intellectually on the same level?
  7. Do you have common interests?
  8. Do you share the same values – honesty, cleanliness, Church, roles?
  9. Do you feel comfortable with how you make decisions together?
  10. Do you help each other emotionally?
  11. Do you have absolute trust in each other?
  12. Are you more creative and energetic because of each other?
  13. Do you help each other grow closer to God?
  14. Can we accept and appreciate each other’s family?
  15. Do you have unresolved relationships in your past?
  16. Is sex under control?
  17. Have you spent enough time together?
  18. Have you fought and forgiven?
  19. Have you talked about each area of your future life?
  20. Have you had counseling?

See also: What’s love got to do with it? (A gift offer)

About Wisdomforlife

Just another worker in God's field.
This entry was posted in Broken Relationships, Choosing a mate, Dating, Decision making, Discernment, Divorce and Remarriage, Engagement, God's Will, Guidelines for living, Guidelines for marriage decision, Marriage, Relationships, Should I get married?. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Finding the right one (or, how to break up)

  1. Des says:

    Great 20 questions. I firmly believe in getting a PHD in your future spouse before marriage which is why I think 16 and 20 are the most important before making that decision. If you believe in the attachment theory of psychology, then these past relationships may not have to be resolved before a good life can be had, but they need to be exposed.


  2. Pingback: How to know if you’ve found the right one (or, how to break up) | MadeleineMaya

  3. This is my first time visit at here and i am genuinely impressed to read everthing
    at single place.


  4. Pingback: Relationship 101 Class (audio) | WisdomForLife

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s