When confronting others

 

Loving confrontation is sometimes necessary in genuine relationships. We participate in deception when we allow people to believe they’re on good terms with us despite their violations of the relationship.

Confrontation is simply a matter of integrity for those who won’t accept insincerity and hypocrisy. 

“If we can restore to full and intimate fellowship with ourselves a sinning and unrepentant brother, we reveal not the depth of our love, but its shallowness, for we are doing what is not for his highest good. Forgiveness which bypasses the need for repentance issues not from love but from sentimentality (John R. W. Stott, Confess Your Sins, p.35).

Love covers or confronts

In relationships shaped by the gospel, “love covers a multitude of sins” (i.e. offenses)” (I Peter 4:8). Those who withhold restoration over minor offenses are lacking in genuine love based in the gospel (see: Ephesians 4:32-5:1; Titus 3:1-7). Where such love is absent, immaturity and manipulation will threaten unity. Please take time to review the two principles for resolving conflict here.

When deeply or repeatedly betrayed, however, forgiveness does not necessarily require that one immediately grant the same level of relationship back to an offender. Even when God forgives our sins, He does not promise to remove all consequences created by our actions. Yes, being forgiven, restored and trusted is an amazing experience, but it’s important for those who hurt others to understand that their attitude and actions will affect the process of rebuilding trust. Words alone are not sufficient to restore trust in such cases.

Watch your attitude

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves.”

See also: Forgive, or else!

Steve Cornell

 

Don’t give up on your marriage

 

Marriage problems? How bad is it? Has the “D” come up? Do you feel hopeless about things ever getting better?

Perhaps you’ve thought about divorce but you’re afraid of the consequences. What would your family and friends think? Could you bear the social stigma? Perhaps a divorce doesn’t seem to “fit” you because you’ve been successful in career and other areas of life. And what about the children? How would they be affected? 

There’s no escaping the fact that divorce places a heavy burden on those affected by it. Many have compared it to death. Consequently, some have chosen to endure a “dead” marriage —at least until the children are raised. But when living in martial misery, the duplicity of maintaining a good public image can become unbearable. Many couples wear a good marriage mask for years before it crumbles. Have you accepted marital defeat until the apparently inevitable occurs?

Someone once suggested that there is no unhappiness as intense as the unhappiness of a miserable marriage. When a relationship that was meant for love and companionship becomes filled with conflict, bitterness and despair, it can make life feel painfully unbearable. Yet I believe that any marriage can improve if husbands and wives are willing to work at it.

I am certain that a marriage that appears to be a disaster can become a mutually satisfying relationship. Is it easy to turn a bad marriage into a good one? No. But all satisfying marriages require effort and sacrifice. A seasoned counselor once recommended that lifelong love and companionship is a by-product of an iron-willed determination to make it work.

 In 30 years of pastoral ministry, I’ve had the privilege of helping hundreds of couples with pre-marital and marital issues. Each fall semester for the last 20 years, I’ve taught a course for singles on the qualities of a good marriage. I certainly don’t have all the answers but I have learned a few valuable lessons along the way. 

If you are willing to try to save your marriage, let me recommend six important considerations.

First, you must be completely honest about the condition of your marriage. Agree together that things are not good between the two of you. Openly admitting that you’re not doing well in your relationship is an essential first step to recovery.

Secondly, you must reject the mentality of defeat. Agree together that you don’t want to give up on your marriage. Believe that success is possible. Although the obstacles seem insurmountable, you must dig deep for one more effort.

Thirdly, humble yourselves and be willing to seek help. This is a difficult step for people who are successful in other areas of life. But we all need help when we can’t see the forest through the trees. A wise counselor can often guide couples to a clearer understanding of their situation. Rarely do deeply troubled marriages turn around without intervention. There are people who can assist you.

Fourthly, you must believe that saving your marriage is the best option. It is hard to pursue a goal when you do not believe in it. Get perspective. Reflect back on the better times in your relationship. Rededicate yourselves to the value of your marriage covenant.

Fifthly, take responsibility for the contributions you have made to your marital problems. Identify the blocks you have placed in the wall that separates the two of you. Stop the blame game. Admit your own faults. Look in the mirror and you’ll see the only person you are able to change.

Finally, you do not have the strength in yourselves to restore your marriage. You need God’s help. “A rope made up of three cords is hard to break” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). The “third cord” of a meaningful and lasting marriage is God. As husbands and wives cultivate their relationship with God, they contribute to the strength of their marriages. We were created for a personal relationship with God and He has opened the way for this to be possible (see: John 3:16,17).

Please receive this as a letter of appeal. I am asking you not to give up on your marriage. Perhaps the battle has been depleting and the wounds are deep. I agree with the one who said, “There is no misery as miserable as the misery of a miserable marriage.”

But it doesn’t have to be this way. All marriages have miserable moments but we must learn the best ways to respond to those moments. Everything that is worthwhile requires effort. I assure you that your marriage is worth the effort.

Steve Cornell

For more helpful resources:

• Changing the way we think about marriage
• What if I don’t feel love for my spouse?
• Five commitments of a good marriage
• How can we know what love is?
• A life transformed by love

 

Christian community

 

What kind of community life should a local Church pursue? This is best answered by closely looking at the “one-another” commands in the New Testament. These are exhortations about how to relate to each other as Christians in community. 

• Accept one another (Rom 15:7)
• Carry each other’s burdens (Gal. 6:2)
• Have equal concern for each other (1 Cor. 12:25)
• Watch out for one another (Heb. 3:12-13)
• Encourage one another (1 Thess. 4:18; 5:11; Heb. 3:13; 10:25)
• Live in harmony with one another (1 Pet. 3:8)
• Confess your sins to each other (Jas. 5:16)
• Be devoted to one another (Rom. 12:10)
• Edify one another (Rom. 14:19; 1 Thess. 5:11)
• Consider others better than yourselves (Phil. 2:3)
• Bear with one another (Eph. 4:2; Col. 3:13)
• Forgive each other (Eph. 4:32)
• Honor one another (Rom. 12:10)
• Offer hospitality to one another (1 Pet. 4:9)
• Be kind and compassionate to one another (Eph. 4:32)
• Live in harmony toward one another (Rom. 12:16; 15:5)
• Love one another (John 13:34-35; 15:12, 17; Rom. 13:8)
• Be members of one body (Rom. 12:5; Eph. 4:25)
• Be at peace with each other (Mark 9:50; Eph. 4:3)
• Pray for each other (Jas. 5:16)
• Serve one another (Gal. 5:13; 1 Pet. 4:10)
• Spur one another on to love and good deeds (Heb. 10:24)
• Submit to one another (Eph. 5:21; 1 Pet. 5:5)
• Teach one another (Col. 3:16)

Evidently believers are intended to have deeply meaningful interdependence. This is not a picture of superficial or casual connection. It depicts life-together in mutual love, honor, unity, service and accountability. The New Testament vision for local Church community is one of significant interdependence and loving accountability. 

Perhaps the best response to this is not to find a place to receive this kind of community but to make a prayerful commitment to live this way among other followers of Christ.

Steve Cornell

 

Humble, loving, truth-telling Christians in community

 

God desires to use the lives of those who have experienced His love as plausibility cases for the truthfulness of the good news of salvation.

This is a little overwhelming to contemplate but God has chosen to make a case for or to validate the truth of the gospel through the community life of His people. When this truth sinks deeply into our hearts, it should bring us to our knees to ask for grace to be the kind of witnesses that reflect our Father’s mercy. 

Jesus taught, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35).

The story of the Bible “speaks from first to last of a God who did not need to create, but who did so out of overflowing and generous love. It speaks of a God who did not need to redeem and recreate, but did so as the greatest possible act of self-giving love.”

“Somehow if we are to address contemporary culture with the message of the Bible, we must get used to combining two things which are normally at opposite poles—humility and truth-telling.”

“Somehow we have to tell the truth but to tell it as the liberating story, the healing story, the true story. And of course… the best way we can do this is by telling, again and again, in story and symbol and acted drama, the biblical story, focused on the story of Jesus himself, the true story of the Word made flesh. That is why the great symbol at the heart of Christianity is the symbol of the eucharist; it is the symbol of that story. But, it is our task not just to tell but to live out the story—the model of God’s self-giving love in Christ must be the basis for our self-understanding, our life, and our vocation.”

“If the Biblical story is told truly, it will subvert the alternative stories. But to tell it truly, you have to be living it” (N. T. Wright).

We must live out our calling to be humble, loving, truth-telling Christians in community – living out mutual affection and honor for one another. Memorize and meditate deeply on this Scripture:

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other” (Romans 12:10, NLT).  

When Churches are filled with people who treat each other with honor, esteem, deference and humble service (foot-washing love), they offer a positive subversion to the deceptive and harmful narratives of life without God. When we live the gospel by practicing the mind of Christ in community (see: Philippians 2:3-8), we authenticate the message of the gospel in a way that postmodern culture cannot deconstruct. 

What does this community look like?

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12-14).

Let us be like our Savior as a people — full of grace and truth (John 1:14). 

Steve Cornell

____________________________________________________

For thought and discussion:

“The witness of a single life lived under Christ’s rule is powerful.  But the skeptic will discount it.  He or she will explain it away as being a mutation:  ’She was born a caring person.  That can happen.’  But as kingdom citizens live their lives together, actually loving one another, it becomes a different matter.  Such a community – whether it is a family, a few believers in a neighborhood, a network of business people, or a church congregation – makes a persuasive statement to an on-looking world that the kingdom, indeed, is among them.  The message of the kingdom is amplified as its citizens live out their unique calling in community.  As they do, the kingdom grows.” (The Insider, pp. 33-34)

 

12 truths about marriage from the original plan

 

If you hope to do well in the relationship of marriage, you’ll need a shared vision of the nature and meaning of marriage. Most people who get married do not tend to think very deeply about the meaning and nature of marriage. Perhaps they see themselves as making a lifelong commitment to love their mate (and this is good), but living out such a commitment requires some specifics about marriage.  

In a time when the very nature of marriage is questioned, there’s a great need to revisit the original institution of the marriage relationship. We should ask several questions:

• Is there a divine plan for marriage?
• Did our Creator establish marriage in a specifically defined way?
• What can we learn from the narrative about the first marriage?

When they asked Jesus about divorce, He refused to answer their question before talking about marriage itself. He took them directly to the authoritative source for understanding the origin and nature of marriage. His source for this information is captured in the words “at the beginning.” He then referenced a written source of authority, “Haven’t you read?” — treating what was written as the voice of God Himself.

According to Jesus, the original design for marriage is based on God’s own words, “the Creator made them male and female and said, ….”  

Matthew 19:4-6

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one.”

Looking at the original plan, a number of important factors about the nature of marriage emerge. Consider them in the sequence of the following verses:

Genesis 2:15, 18, 22, 24

“The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. … The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ … Then the Lord God made a woman … and he brought her to the man. …  For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to (cleave to) his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

12 truths about marriage:

1. God provided man with an amazing place to live and to work (v.15)

It’s not uncommon for men to become overly preoccupied with their place and their work. Yet, as important as work is, it’s not enough (I Timothy 5:8; II Thessalonians 3:10).

2. Completion of man involved a relationship of human companionship (18).

“Man will not live until he loves, giving himself away to another on his own level.” (Kidner)

3. Although he has fellowship with his Maker, man is meant for relationships with other human beings.

4. God creates a woman as a helper suitable to or support corresponding to the man.

The woman was created for the man (I Corinthians 11:9). She filled up what was missing. This role of helper in no way implies inferiority for she too is made in the image of God and shares co-regency with the man (Genesis 1:28).

5. The terms of the first marriage convey equality in a context of completion. Although equal, as one beside the man, the woman supplies what is missing as one clearly different from the man.

“Woman is the glory of man” (I Corinthians 11:7). Her union with man fills up what is lacking. She is a “helper” or “support to him” but this role does not imply inferiority (see: Galatians 3:28).

6. Marriage was God’s plan for our good (But we have not always treated marriage as a divine good)

7. God did not consult with the man about needing a wife. He provided one.

8. Male and female were created for each other.

Marriage is God’s gift and if we understood our mates as His gift it would change our treatment of them in positive ways. 

9. As God’s gift to man, the woman brought an end to the concern that it was “not good for the man to be alone.”

10. Marriage is made up of two unique individuals (loss of uniqueness would hurt the completion)

11. Whatever “becoming one” means, it’s not the loss of unique identity in either mate.

Marriage is the bonding of two individual identities into one new relationship. Like the different color sands in a sand ceremony, each one brings individual significance, gifts and beauty to the relationship of marriage. Whatever oneness conveys, it is not the disappearance of a woman behind the dominance of the man nor the man behind the dominance of the woman. This would violate the original purpose of complimentary completion. 

12. Leaving and Cleaving – are actions necessary to building the marriage relationship. They picture the forging of a strong bond!

It is very significant that the man is the one given primary responsibility to forge the bond by cleaving to his wife. This confronts the problem of male passivity in marriage (see: Ephesians 5:25).

Steve Cornell

Audio message here: When Two Become One

 

Prescription for great relationships

 

This one is for married couples and for singles who are looking for true love.

I often tell people that it takes work for marriage to work. It’s one thing to be in love and another to love someone for life.

We tend to want everything to be easier than it often is and end up missing out on the deeper blessings by giving up too early when we face difficulties. I don’t say this to encourage anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. Or to settle for one that is wrongly matched up.

Once married, however, a couple must intentionally resist complacency if they desire to thrive in their relationship. Doing this requires more than will power. There must also be a shared standard to reach toward.

I believe that one of the best standards is  found in I Corinthians 13:4-8. Here we learn how love behaves in relationships. Here we find God’s prescription for great relationships.

Here is love that protects relationships from destructive conflict. This love opposes bitter rivilary. While playful rivalry is not bad and can be fun, troubled relationships are almost always plagued with some form of ugly and divisive rivalry.

Revisit true love:

1. Love is patient: It is long-suffering. It restrains anger when provoked. Patience is more than passive waiting. It’s active restraint that rests in God.
2. Love is kind: It reaches out in good will with acts of care for others. Love patiently forebears and in kindness — actively pursues. Loving people are distinguished by their kindness.
3. Love does not envy: It does not resent the blessings of others. Envious people engage in rivalry. The envier gloats over the harm or misfortune of the one envied. She delights in evil.
4. Love does not boast: Love corrects the desire to call attention to self. A loving person is not a windbag or braggart. He does not parade himself. Love is willing to work anonymously. It needs no stage, applause or recognition.
5. Love is not proud: not puffed up; not arrogant; not full of oneself. A loving person does not think more highly of himself than sober judgment dictates (Romans 12:3).
6. Love is does not dishonor others: It is not rude. It is respectful of others.
7. Love is not self-seeking: It does not insist on its own way. It is not self-absorbed.
8. Love is not easily angered: It is not easily agitated nor easily provoked. Loving people are not hot-tempered, short-fused people.
9. Love keeps no record of wrongs: Love seeks forgiveness and reconciliation. When hurt badly, this part of love is hard to practice. 
10. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth: This rules out gossip, slander, and delight in the downfall of others.

The grand finale: Love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.

Using a staccato of four verbs with repeated emphasis on how love brings everything under its influence, we learn that, “there is nothing love cannot face” (NEB).

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” (NLT). Love is tenacious and faithful. Love is brave and noble; it never fails.

Love is “the most excellent way” (I Corinthians 12:31). “These three remain: Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (I Corinthians 13:13). “Over all virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:14).

God’s love was put on display when he loved unworthy people like you and me. For “when we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

Jesus gave us a great example of love by coming into our world and humbling himself for our benefit. The Creator became a creature; the King became a servant; the Shepherd became a lamb;  the High Priest became the sacrifice, the sinless one was made sin for us that we might be acceptable before God in Him! (see: II Corinthians 5:17-21; Philippians 2:3-10).

Steve Cornell

 

The greatest is love

 

The best definition for love is found in the New Testament. If you hope to practice the love described below, be prepared for some deep transformations of your life and relationships — from the inside out.

This love stands out as anti-rivalry. It opposes resentful comparisons and prideful competition. It does not resort to envy, one-up-man-ship, gossip or vindictiveness. This is a love that protects and honors the one loved. 

Love…

• is patient
• is kind
• does not envy
• does not boast
• is not proud
• is not rude
• is not self seeking (demanding its own way)
• is not easily angered (irritable) 
• it keeps no record of wrongs
• is never glad about evil
• rejoices in truth
• never gives up (always protects)
• never loses faith (always trusts)
• is always hopeful (positive)
• endures all circumstances                              (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

“It is often pointed out that in this paragraph Paul seems best to capture the life and ministry of Jesus.  So much so that one could substitute His name for the noun “love” and thereby describe love in a more personal way.  After doing so, however, one does not want to miss Paul’s point, which ultimately is description for the purpose of exhortation.  Perhaps that point could best be captured by putting one’s own name in place of the noun “love,” and not neglecting thereafter to find a proper place for repentance and forgiveness”  (Gordon Fee, N.I.C.N.T.; I Corinthians, p.640).

Love’s final four companions

Love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres. This is love’s grand finale in a staccato of four verbs — each one all-encompassing !  (”All things”; adverbial: “In everything/always”).

“There is nothing love cannot face” (NEB).  “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” (NLT). Love embraces faith and hope. It is tenacious and faithful. Love is brave and noble; it never fails  — no wonder the greatest is love.

Think about it:

“Paul does not mean that love always believes the best about everything and everyone, but that love never ceases to have faith; it never loses hope.  This is why it can endure.  The life that is so touched by the never-ceasing love of God in Christ (cf. Romans 8:39) is in turn enabled by the Spirit to love others in the same way.  It trusts God on behalf of the one loved, hopes to the end that God will show mercy in that person’s behalf” (Gordon Fee,  I Corinthians, N.I.C.N.T., p. 640).

Love is what the world needs and what each person can experience through God’s love in Christ (see: Rom. 5:8; 8:38-39; Titus 3:3-6).

“God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other” (I John 4:9-11)

Steve Cornell

 

Are you stuck in a bad flight pattern?

 

What is the narrative for your life?

What defines the way you do life and relationships? Are you stuck in a negative or destructive flight-pattern? 

Fill in the blank. My life is a narrative of ___________________. 

Options: loss, hurt, betrayal, injury, anger, resentment, self-pity, self-indulgence, deception, revenge, violence, oppression, entitlement, justice, defeat, despair, pleasure, lust, honor, humility, service, failure, victory…

Does the gospel (one’s encounter with the living God where His grace reconciles a sinner to Himself) define the narrative for life?

Asked differently, how should the gospel transform our lives (attitudes, actions, perspectives) and particularly our relationships? Does the gospel stake a claim on every part of my life?

This is the heart of the matter I address in the following audio message:

Audio link 

Gospel narrative:

Titus 3:5-6  “He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior”

Resource: 7 Daily Reminders for Gospel-centered life and A gospel-postured self-image 

Steve Cornell

 

A Closer Look at Love

 

Some people tell me they want to be married because of love and others say they want out of marriage because they no longer feel love.

This has led me to ask some questions about the nature of love. What is love? Is it something we fall in and out of? Is it chemistry? Infatuation? Is it an emotional response or a choice? I’ve concluded that we must distinguish two dimensions of love.

1. Being in love

This dimension is the emotional attraction of love.

It’s what people mean when they speak of “falling in love.” It’s typically based on more superficial reactions to appearance and first impressions. Clearly, it’s a natural part of human attraction and although not necessarily wrong, it’s not enough to sustain a meaningful and lasting relationship. It’s far too superficial. Deeply satisfying relationships are built on the second dimension of love:

2. Behaving in love

This dimension does not depend on feelings and chemistry. It’s choosing to love. 

It’s a choice to respond to my mate in a loving manner — regardless of feelings. This dimension of love is a choice to value my mate and seek his or her best. While I can’t always make myself feel a certain way, I can always choose to act in a loving way.

The distinction between these two dimensions is very important in marriage relationships. Most marriages start with a high dose of being in love and in most relationships these feeling diminish with time. But the key to keeping the flame of love burning is not pursuit of feelings — but a decision to value your mate and be devoted to his or her best — no matter what one feels. 

Behaving in love is a choice to act in love even when we don’t feel love. I am not advocating dishonesty. It’s a matter of priority. When we choose to love, the feelings often follow our actions!

Cultural obstacle to love:

Have you noticed how being true to your feelings has become a measure of good character? One who fails to act consistently with her feelings is considered dishonest and hypocritical. This cultural standard is often used to give people a false sense of virtue when breaking deep commitments. Using this standard of avoiding hypocrisy and being honest enough to admit a loss of feelings, married people justify (and even consider virtuous) breaking wedding vows.

There is a deeply self-destructive deception in this line of reasoning. It implies that we are victims of our feelings instead of being capable of mastering them. Feelings come and go with changes in the weather. Do you go to work only when you feel like going? Do athletes or great musicians only practice when they feel like it? We simply cannot live a healthy and productive lives if we let feelings master us. This is especially true in relationships.

Love must be understood as a value word and an action more than a feeling if we hope to experience deep and lasting relationships as intended by God.

Remember that God demonstrated His love for us not because we were a warm and lovable group of people whom he couldn’t resist. Instead, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).  This is the kind of love husbands are commanded to show toward their wives (Ephesians 5:25).

Reflect often on this distinction between: Being in love and Behaving in love. Share this with your family and friends, in small groups and with those preparing for marriage.

Evaluate your love based on the best definition available to humanity:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails” (I Corinthians 13:1-8a).

Other resources:  (short audio clips: Heart, mind and emotions & Facing Divorce)

• How can we know what love is?
• A life transformed by love
• 5 commitments for a good marriage

Steve Cornell

 

Where were you 20 years ago?

 

I’ve had the privilege of traveling to many conference centers and retreats to speak on forgiveness and reconciliation. Inevitably someone will come up to me in each setting and ask, “Where were you twenty years ago?” Then they tell me that if they had understood what I was teaching about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation they would have approached relationships far differently.

My teaching on the subject has especially helped those who tended to enable others under the feeling that forgiveness required forgetting the wrongs that were committed.  It was liberating for these people to learn that (unlike forgiveness) reconciliation of a broken relationship is a process conditioned on the attitude and actions of an offender. Those who commit significant and repeated offenses must realize that their responses and actions affect the timing of the process. Those who are genuinely repentant will accept this fact with brokenness and humility. 

In view of the benefit this has been to others, I’ve provided summaries of my teaching on the links below: 

• forgiveness and reconciliation
• forgiveness in a context of worship
• Leave your Grudge with the Judge

Steve Cornell