Nothing “Happy” about Father’s Day?

Are you among those who can’t see the “Happy” in Father’s Day? 

“Maybe it’s not so ‘happy’ for you. Perhaps you’re one of those people who will play the charade of giving a gift, sending a card or making a phone call out of obligation or guilt. Maybe you carry deep wounds from your relationship (or lack thereof) with your father. Perhaps you’ve suffered from the disapproval, rejection, absence or abandonment of your father. Maybe you will try to drum up some positive demeanor toward your dad on Father’s Day even though you really feel nothing at all” (From: “Finding Healing on Father’s Day“ Jim Palmer).

Many today live with a fatherhood deficit or a damaged view of fatherhood. And, yes, this can have a troubling effect on life. But what we learn in Scripture is that spiritual transformation specifically focuses on restoring one’s need for fatherhood in deeply meaningful and intimate ways.

The inner work of the Spirit ministering to our spirit centers on our need for fatherhood. Ponder the powerful implications of these words: “the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children” and “God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, ‘Abba, Father’” (Romans 8:15-16; Galatians 4:6).

Greek-speaking Gentile churches in Galatia and Rome continued to address God as “Abba.” But they only used this title for God because Jesus had used it and taught his followers to do so. Little children and others used “Abba” when they addressed their earthly fathers but only Jesus used this term of intimacy to address God. There is no evidence in Jewish literature that Jews addressed God with this term.

The teaching of the Fatherhood of God was unexpectedly elevated by Jesus. Although “Father” was only used 15 times for God in the OT, it was Jesus’ primary term for addressing God and for teaching his followers about their relationship with God. He used it some 65 times in the synoptic Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke) and over 100 times in the gospel of John.

Rather than allowing ourselves to be consumed with the failures or absence of human fathers, let us turn to the affirming work of the Spirit of God as He ministers to our spirits to bear continual witness (present tense) to our identity as God’s children.

From the spiritual cradle to the physical grave, let the Spirit restore the comforting truth of Fatherhood as “by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father’” to our Creator and Redeemer.

• “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close” (Psalm 27:10).
• “O Lord you are our Father.  We are the clay, you are the potter; we are the work of your hands.” (Isaiah 64:8)
• “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” (I John 3:1). 

Steve Cornell

 

Beware of the jerks (and jerkettes)

Are you a pushover for predatory jerks?

In “Don’t Let the Jerks get the Best of You,” Dr. Paul Meier warned, “we are living in a jungle and its full of hungry jerks.”

If you need advice for dealing with difficult people or some instructions on the art of psychological defense against jerk abuse, this book will help you.



Let’s be honest enough to confess that we all act like jerks on occasions. Being a jerk simply means being selfish. It’s an inborn quality that starts with earliest childhood and must be corrected. The Proverbs warn that, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child…” (Proverbs 22:15). When a child doesn’t receive correction for selfish behavior, he develops an inordinate sense of entitlement or jerkishness.

Without large doses of consistent, loving discipline, a child thinks he lives in a world where he’s always supposed to get what he wants. Children “need to learn boundaries and limits because they think they rule the roost. When their little desires are not met, they can get angry—very angry. Their sense of entitlement is at its height” (Meier).

All the software for being a jerk is in place at birth and the tendency never completely disappears. We don’t need to offer instruction on how to act like a jerk. Of course, when jerkish behavior appears in children, it’s a little less disturbing than adults who act like jerks or adults who don’t correct jerkish behavior in their kids.

We all have to confront this tendency to be a jerk. “Reality says I am going to be a jerk to some people and they’re going to be jerks to me. That’s not necessarily okay, but it is reality” (Meier).

Before getting too worked-up about others, let’s acknowledge our own tendencies to act selfishly and take advantage of others. Jesus taught his followers to, “first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5).

And must I even say that jerkish behavior is not gender limited? Men are often more quickly labeled as jerks but based on extensive research, Dr. Meier suggests, “there are an equal number of women who are jerks—or, if you prefer, ‘jerkettes’.

Yet, as Dr. Meier indicates, we are not all the same kind of jerks.

• Forty percent of us are First-Degree jerks who are mildly to moderately selfish.
• Another forty percent are Second-Degree Jerks who are seriously to acutely selfish.
• Ten percent of society is made up of the most dangerous type: Nth-Degree Jerks. These people are severely to sociopathically selfish. They’re the sickos who lie, cheat, abuse, and even kill, all without guilt or remorse.

What about the other ten percent?

“Somewhere out there,” wrote Meier, “there are folk who have practically conquered all their jerky tendencies. We call these people Mature Adults. To become a totally mature, loving, caring adult should be everyone’s goal.”

The goal of Dr. Meier’s book is to help us get there. He analyzes each type of jerk and includes a practical questionnaire to help you know if you or someone you know fits the category. He also offers protective strategies to safeguard you from Second and Nth Degree jerks.

Equally helpful is the section on people with masochistic tendencies. These are people who tend to put themselves in positions where they continually get hurt, mistreated, or taken advantage of. They have a strong pull toward self-destructive behaviors and attitudes.

Dr. Meier presents fifty questions to help assess the degree of masochism in yourself or others. He admits that he and his wife had definite leanings toward masochism. As an example, early in their marriage his wife’s philosophy was, “Great men have great faults, and great women learn to live with them.” She has changed her philosophy to: “Great men have great faults and great women point them out—in a tactful non-jerky way, of course!”

This is a move from masochism to maturity. To help make that move, the second half of the book offers six steps out of masochism to maturity and closes with an in-depth maturity test.

• Are you tired of letting the jerks get the best of you?
• Do you want to gain freedom from the destructive effects of selfish behavior and enjoy mature relationships free of jerkiness and masochism?

According to Dr. Meier, you must learn, “some simple psychological judo holds and throws that will allow you to face predatory jerks with confidence, gain the advantage and deal with them lovingly, or at least in a civil manner that let’s them know you will not be manipulated, controlled, or abused anymore.”


Steve Cornell


See: Warning: Dangerous People

 

Rutgers’ Sandusky

 

There are so many fine examples of dedicated leadership in the world of coaching. Occasional ignominious and bizarre figures like Mike Rice (former Rutger’s mens basketball coach) and Jerry Sandusky (former Penn State football coach) are sad exceptions to the many respectable men and women who dedicate their lives to young people. I am hopeful that the recent high profile scandals will only serve to strengthen a career that has some of the greatest potential for influencing the lives of young people.

Don’t misunderstand. I am not suggesting that the world of coaching is a trouble-free-zone. I have two sons who were star athletes in a big high school and went on to play division collegian basketball. I’ve seen the good; the bad and the ugly. But I also realize that coaching is not an easy job. Young athletes can be difficult and even fragile. Parents can be demanding and even belligerent. Coaches often get caught in some of the tensions between school administrations and athletic directors. Academics and athletics are not always happy companions. 

When in season (which for some has become a year round affair), coaches typically spend very little time with their families. There are many sacrifices in the world of coaching. Those who are dedicated to doing what is best for their kids, not just athletically but academically and, more importantly, in character development, are deserving of respect.

Coaching Coaches

But there are also problems in the world of coaching. Sometimes coaching staffs suffer from a kind of insular environment. Coaches understandably protect their own but taken too far, it can lead to a lack of healthy accountability. The set-up for trouble is magnified greatly when you mix this reality with atheletic programs that have become powerful and profitable.

I have no doubt that these kinds of environments provided the soil for men like Rice and Sandusky to grow into the monsters we now know them to be.

The average person looks on these scenes with anything from incredulity to disgust to horror. How? Why? Where were the people who should have held them accountable? It’s not surprising to see other “heads roll” with these coaches because people believe that those over them and with them are culpable for not ending the horror. But this kind of accountability is often absent. It’s not just that everyone is living in his or her own tunnel but that (in some cases) these coaches have too much power and people fear confronting them. Although it’s not easy to coach the coaches, someone must offer this kind of respectful accountability to protect them from the dangers of overly isolated authority.  

Mike Rice

The case of Mike Rice should also send notice to schools at all levels. The only person in most school districts who can get away with yelling at kids is coaches. Teachers or administrators would risk suspension if they treated kids the way some coaches do. I am not suggesting that coaches should take the kind and gentle approach but I’ve seen more than a few lose their tempers with kids. This needs to be addressed as early as possible. As is often said, sports (like driving a car) bring out the monster in people. The competitive environment of athletics is emotionally charged and easily becomes a setting for hot heads to lose their cool. Even parents are hesitant to hold coaches accountable for this behavior because their sons or daughters fear social pressures and loss of possible play time.

It might seem strange for me to title this post Rutger’s Sandusky because there is a huge difference between shoving a kid and molesting him. But my point is concerned with university environments that allow these kinds of people continue without accountability. My hope is that these high profile cases will encourage greater accountability on every level of athletics.

Jerry Sandusky

I honestly hate to bring any more attention to this man. I truly hope that he will confess his sins to God and man before he leaves this world. The likelihood of this is small because these kinds of people are seared in their depravity and, in professional terms, they are pathologically narcissistic. 

But the ability of the human conscious (or, lack thereof) to excuse itself and accuse others is not limited to people we perceive as monsters. The Sanduskys are admittedly the more extreme and dangerous versions, but they don’t become who they are overnight. I suspect that we could trace their behavior back to the way they were raised. Parents would be wise to think twice about the dangers of raising narcissistic children (see Don’t Raise a narcissist).

This would be a good time to pray for ministries that reach out to coaches and athletes.

Steve Cornell

Other posts:

• Profile of an abuser

 

The girl who never measured up

Sometimes we have to look back to move ahead. 

This weekend, I am speaking at a retreat for a group of newly married couples from our Church. About 30 couples will join this event for rest and refreshment in their relationships with each other and God.

The theme they asked me to speak on is the topic of a book I am completing. My title is “Your 18 Year Factor: how your upbringing affected your life.”

The premise is captured in the saying: “Home is where the heart is.” We might say, “Home is where the heart is formed” and this is not good news for those who experienced a difficult upbringing. 

The 18 year factor study is based on a strong belief in the power of parental influence as the God-ordained means for character formation in children.

The foundation and formation of our identity and character; future health and stability occurs in the first 18 years of life.  If you’ve experienced a healthy and functionally stable upbringing, you’ve received a gift that has become increasingly rare. 

Some people, however, are not able to function well in healthy relationships because they are too unresolved in relation to their 18 year factor. They have deep issues that hinder them from being vulnerable, transparent and trusting – three qualities especially essential to a good marriage.

We cannot do well in our relationships (as God intended) unless we address the deeper issues of our own hearts. 

My book will be an invitation to take an honest look at the underlying influences that have shaped your life and to view these influences as primary points of access for spiritual transformation. 

A number of people have graciously allowed me to use their stories in my book. I’ve also collected stories from other places.

In their book, The Blessing, Gary Smalley and John Trent,  tell a moving story that goes to the heart of the concerns I am writing about.

Consider Nancy:

“Nancy grew up in an affluent suburb outside a major city.  During Nancy’s early years, her mother loved to socialize with other women at the club and at frequent civic activities. In fact, with a marriage that was less than fulfilling, these social gatherings became of paramount importance to Nancy’s mother. 

When Nancy was very young, her mother would dress her up in elegant clothes (the kind you had to sit still in, not play in) and take her and her older sister to the club. But, as Nancy grew older, this practice began to change.

Unlike her mother and older sister, Nancy was not petite. In fact, she was quite large and big-boned. Neither was Nancy a model of tranquility. She was a tomboy who loved outdoor games, swinging on fences, and animals of all kinds.

As you might imagine, such behavior from a daughter who was being groomed to be a debutante caused real problems…

Nancy’s mother tried desperately to mend her daughter’s erring ways. Nancy was constantly scolded about being “awkward” and “clumsy.” During shopping sprees, Nancy was often subjected to verbal barbs designed to motivate her to lose weight. 

“All the really nice clothes are two sizes too small for you. They’re your sister’s size,” her mother would taunt. Nancy was finally forced on a strict diet to try to make her physically presentable to others. 

Nancy tried hard to stick to her diet and be all her mother wanted. However, more and more often Nancy’s mother and sister would go to social events and leave Nancy at home. Soon, all invitations to join these functions stopped. After all, her mother told her, “You don’t want to be embarrassed because of the way you look with all the other children around, do you?” 

When Nancy first came in for counseling, she was in her thirties, married, and the mother of two children. For years she had struggled with her weight and with feelings of inferiority. Her marriage had been a constant struggle for her as well.

Nancy’s husband loved her and was deeply committed to her, but her inability to feel acceptable left her constantly insecure and defensive. 

As a result of this hypersensitivity, every time she and her husband began to draw close, Nancy would feel threatened. Invariably, some small thing her husband did would set her off, and her marriage was back at arm’s length.

Frankly, because of her lack of acceptance in the past, being at arm’s length was the only place Nancy felt comfortable in a relationship. 

Nancy had two daughters. The older girl was big-boned and looked very much like Nancy, but the younger daughter was a beautiful, petite child. What was causing Nancy incredible pain was the relationship between her mother and this younger child and the effect of that relationship on Nancy’s feelings and behavior.

Just like in Nancy’s childhood, her mother catered to the younger “pretty” daughter, while the older daughter was left out and ignored. Old hurts and wounds that Nancy thought were hidden in her past were now being relived through watching her own children. The heartache and loneliness that her older daughter was feeling was an echo of Nancy’s unhappiness. 

Nancy was also angry at God. In spite of her prayers, she felt He had changed neither her relationship with her mother nor her present circumstances. She seemed doomed to repeat vicariously through her daughters her own painful past…

For Nancy, her relationship with her husband, her children, and God had all been affected by missing out on the blessing that she had tried for years to grasp, but that never quite came within reach….

Although Nancy had moved away from home physically, she still remained chained to the past emotionally.  Her lack of approval from her parent in the past kept a feeling of genuine acceptance from others in the present from taking root in her life. 

In Nancy’s case, this lack of approval even kept her from believing that her heavenly Father truly accepted her.

Some people are driven toward workaholism as they search for the blessing they never received at home. Always striving for acceptance, they never feel satisfied that they are measuring up.  Others get mired in withdrawal and apathy as they give up hope of ever truly being blessed. 

Unfortunately, this withdrawal can become so severe that it can lead to chronic depression and even suicide. For almost all children who miss out on their parents’ blessing, at some level this lack of acceptance sets off a lifelong search.

Steve Cornell

 

When your past revisits you

Is it possible to carry deep resentment without being aware of the power it holds over you?

Consider the story of a woman who learned the power of suppressed resentment. Fifteen years after a tragic accident, she came to terms with the anger she held and the hold it had on her.  The woman currently resides in California but was raised in Lancaster, Pennsylvania (our home town).

One evening, fifteen years ago, she stopped her car along the road to assist a broken down motorist and on her way to the car, she was violently struck by a drunk driver. For an entire year after the accident, this otherwise athletic young lady was unable to walk without assistance. Shortly after the accident, the drunk driver wrote a letter to her but she refused to open it.

Many years later, another tragedy occured in Lancaster, Pennsylvania that caused her to revisit her past. It also prompted her to finally open the letter from the drunk driver. Ironically all of this happened as she was writing a book on forgiveness based on an Amish family. I say ironic because the tragic event that caused her to revisit her past was the Nickel Mine murders at an Amish School house in Lancaster. On that fateful day, the gunman, Charles Roberts IV shot ten girls (aged 6–13), killing five, before committing suicide.

As the story unfolded on national news, the woman found herself unable to continue to write her book. She was so deeply moved by the love the Amish showed toward the Roberts family (the family of the murderer). Their love and forgiveness forced her to face a flood of pent-up emotions. Her anger toward the drunk driver who forever changed her life had never been fully resolved. She knew she had to come to terms with the power it held over her and the resentment that consumed her soul.  

For many years, in her anger she chose to deny the very existence of the drunk driver. But gripped by the power of the Amish example of forgiveness, she recognized a need to humanize the man who hurt her and acknowledge the possibility that he had struggles of his own.  She had saved his unopened letter in a file and decided it was time to open it. The information she learned about the man helped her come to resolutions and release years of suppressed anger.

When asked what changes she experienced with forgiveness, she spoke of a new freedom from a strong gravitational pull toward a cynical and sarcastic outlook on life. This is a common shield people use to protect themselves and to hide their deep hurts and anger. Cynical and sarcastic people are usually covering up deeper issues.

When her novel on forgiveness was completed, as a powerful demonstration of her freedom from bitterness, she dedicated it to the drunk driver.  

Resentment is an emotion that enslaves us to the past. It gives whatever hurt us power over us. Resentment gives extended life to the damage or hurt we experienced. Resentment is based on a way of thinking that implies that I have been treated wrongly and I deserved better. It says, “I’ve been wronged; I deserved better.” When significant losses or hurts control us we can easily slip into cycles that move from expectation to  disappointment to despair to  more resentment.

Anger, bitterness …… idolatry

The spiritual consequences of withholding forgiveness are significant. We must not gloss over the urgent warning from our Lord where He said,

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15).

Lack of forgiveness is one of the primary reasons why many followers of Christ are not experiencing the joy and fulness of life in Christ. A little root of bitterness is both personally troubling and poisonously infectious. When hurt by others, we become vulnerable to anger. Angry people are vulnerable to bitterness.

God pictured anger as a vicious animal looking to pounce its’ prey (Genesis 4:6-7). When anger turns into bitterness it comes with new levels of control and bondage. Bitter people are particularly difficult to help.  We must deal with our anger before it becomes bitterness (see: Hebrews 12:15; Ephesians 4:26-27).

Bitterness for many people has become a form of idolatry that rules their hearts in place of God. If we desire freedom, we must see bitterness as a protective mechanism we use to guard our cherished resentments. As hard as it might be, we must confess bitterness as idolatry.

A bad attitude toward God?

Sometimes the resentments we hold trace a subtle line to God. We think about how God could have changed things and become resentful that He let us get hurt. I’ve met people who stay connected with Christian community while concealing their attitude toward God behind a veneer of expected Christian happiness. When I travel and teach about forgiveness, I am typically approached with general questions about “why God would allow…?” As I probe, more than once I’ve discovered that their questions are connected to deeply personal stories of pain.

We must not take lightly the dangers of allowing our hearts to become resentful toward God. The father in the book of Proverbs warned his son about allowing a bad attitude toward God. ”My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves” (Proverbs 3:11-12).

The father wisely offered advanced notice to his son that life will not always turn out the way you think it should. After instructing his son to trust God with all of his heart and acknowledge God in all of his ways (proverbs 3:5-6), he warns him that when trials and hardships come, temptation will be there to grow resentful toward God. Many centuries later, a writer in the New Testament treated this father’s advice as God’s enduring word to first century believers (see Hebrews 12:1-15). They too stood in danger of misunderstanding their hardships (i. e. hostile treatment from sinful men (Hebrews 12:7) and becoming resentful and bitter toward God.

Questions for discussion

1. Do you carry any unresolved resentments?
2. Who do you resent?  Any names come to mind?
3. What do you resent?  Circumstances: past or present?

Finish these sentences:

• I really resent the fact that ______________________
• I struggle with resentment toward _________________
• I guess I will never or always_____________________” (missed opportunity/altered circumstances)

For deeper reflection

Two of the most common obstacles to spiritual growth (and often to receiving God’s gift of salvation) are resentment and anger. But how can we be free from resentment, anger and an unforgiving spirit? The ultimate way out of unforgiveness, resentment and anger is to meditate deeply and often on the greatness of God’s forgiveness of your sins— on the gospel of grace.

Please consider the following resources:

• Guarding cherished resentments
• Responding to the Hurts and Disappointments of Life
• A closer look at forgiveness
• Forgive or else!
• Detox plan for freedom from your past:
• When the sun stays hidden for years 
• If God is sovereign………
• A closer look at Guilt 
• Why do I still feel guilty?

 Steve Cornell

 

When trust is deeply broken

 

What do you do when someone betrays you? I am talking about someone you love, not an acquaintance. How do you restore a broken relationship? You just forgive the person, right? After all, God forgave you, so who are you to withhold forgiveness from another?

But wait a minute! Forgiveness is one thing; reconciling a broken relationship is another.

Forgiveness is always required by God from those whom He has forgiven ( see: Forgive or else!). True forgiveness results in personal freedom from a vindictive or vengeful response and power to love even an enemy (see: Romans 12:17-21). But forgiveness does not always result in an immediate restoration of a broken relationship. Forgiveness must be viewed as a matter of worship between the offended and God (see: Empty your grudge account).

Don’t make the mistake of equating forgiveness and reconciliation. Restoring a deeply broken relationship usually takes time. This is the goal of reconciliation but those who commit significant and repeated offenses must realize that their actions affect the timing of the process. If genuinely repentant, offenders will accept this fact with brokenness and humility. Of course, only God can provide the needed strength for embracing the process.

The truth we must understand is that reconciliation is a process conditioned on the attitude and actions of an offender. In some cases, even if an offender confessed his wrong to the one he hurt, and appealed for forgiveness, the offended person could justifiably say, “I forgive you, but it might take some time for me to regain trust and restore our relationship.”

Minor offenses:

Forgiveness and reconciliation occur together in relation to minor offenses. In relationships shaped by the gospel, “love covers a multitude of sins” (i.e. offenses)” (I Peter 4:8). Those who withhold restoration over minor offenses are revealing lacking in genuine love based in the gospel (see: Ephesians 4:32-5:1). Where such love is absent, immaturity and manipulation threaten unity. Please take time to review the two principles for resolving conflict here.

When deeply or repeatedly betrayed, however, forgiveness does not necessarily require that one immediately grant the same level of relationship back to an offender. Even when God forgives our sins, He does not promise to remove all consequences created by our actions. Yes, being forgiven, restored, and trusted is an amazing experience, but it’s important for those who hurt others to understand that their attitude and actions will affect the process of rebuilding trust. Words alone are not enough to restore trust in such cases.

When a husband speaks harshly to his wife in a way that is out of character, his acknowledgement of sinning against her should be received with forgiveness and restoration. If he repeatedly speaks this way, he should expect his acknowledgements of wrong to be more difficult to receive. If the pattern continues, his wife could appropriately tell him that she forgives him but will not accept his harshness in the future without consequences.

Deeply hurt

When someone has been significantly hurt and feels hesitant about restoration with her offender, it’s both right and wise to look for changes in the offender before allowing reconciliation to begin. This is especially true when the offense has been repeated.

The act of forgiveness surrenders the desire for revenge in the context of one’s relationship with the God who said, ““It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” (Romans 12:19). Forgiveness is first about God. When forgiveness is genuine, the heart of the offended person should be open to the possibility of reconciliation (unless personal or family safety are clearly at risk). Forgiveness requires us to offer a repentant person an opportunity to demonstrate repentance and to regain trust. Yet when a person has repeatedly behaved in a sinfully harmful and irresponsible manner, he must accept the fact that reconciliation will be a slow and difficult process.

Three main considerations in the timing of a process of reconciliation:

1. The attitude of the offender
2. The depth of the betrayal
3. The pattern of the offense (often repeated offenses)

When an offended party works toward reconciliation, the first and most important step is to confirm whether the offender is genuinely repentant (Luke 17:3). An unrepentant offender will resent a desire to confirm the genuineness of his confession and repentance. He might even resort to lines of manipulation. 

• “I guess you can’t find it in yourself to be forgiving.”
• “You just want to rub it in my face.”
• “I guess I should expect that you want your revenge.”
• “I am not the only one who does wrong things, you know?”
• “Are you some kind of perfect person looking down on me?”
• “Some Christian you are, I thought Christians believed in love and compassion.”

These lines of manipulation reveal an unrepentant attitude. Don’t be tricked into avoiding the step of confirming the authenticity of your offender’s confession and repentance. Carefully and prayerfully use the seven signs of true repentance listed below. I highly recommend seeking the guidance of a wise counselor to help you see things clearly — (but only one who understands the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation). Such a counselor can help an injured person establish boundaries and define steps toward reconciliation that are restorative rather than retaliatory.

It’s hard to genuinely restore a broken relationship when an offender is unclear about his confession and repentance. You must be as certain as you can of your offender’s repentance—especially in cases involving repeated offenses or deep betrayals of trust. Even God will not grant forgiveness to one who is insincere about his confession and repentance. The person who is unwilling to forsake his sin will not find forgiveness with God (Proverbs 28:13).

Of course, only God can read hearts –– we must evaluate actions. Jesus said, “By their fruit you will recognize them” (Matthew 7:16a). We must not allow superficial appearances of repentance to control our responses. Displays of tears or appearing to be sorry must not become substitutes for clear changes in attitude and behavior.

Steve Cornell

See also: Question about forgiveness and reconciliation

 

Live press conference on Penn State issue

Freeh report released on Penn State’s handling of Jerry Sandusky’s child sex abuse:

Failures of government and oversight evidenced in decisions from the most powerful people at Penn State University to conceal important information. Reasons could include desires to avoid the consequences of bad publicity, legal investigations, upsetting donors and the university community. There are more red flags than could be counted. 

See also: Profile of an abuser

 

Exposing Sexual Predators and Abusers

“There appears to be no end to the horrible stories of men sexually assaulting young boys. The same week that a guilty verdict was brought against former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky, a Catholic priest in Philadelphia was found guilty of covering up child sexual assault allegations. Closer to our home, Steven Geyer, a former assistant principal of Lancaster Mennonite High School, confessed to sexually assaulting male international students from South Korea.

Two victories in this public nightmare are the victims who gained courage to talk about their abuse, and here in Pennsylvania, a unanimous vote ….”

To read the entire article, click here: Profile of an abuser

* Update on Penn State case here

 

A sad week in Pennsylvania

Tonight (6-22-2012) a guilty verdict was brought against former Penn State assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky. Another deranged sexual predator who leveraged his position to prey on small boys will never know freedom again. I wish we didn’t have to pay for his room and board! 

On the same day, in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, a Catholic priest was found guilty of covering up child sexual assault allegations, often by transferring guilty priests to other parishes. Institutional accountability had to come from the government because it didn’t exist in the Church. Surely Penn Sate is thinking about the legal battles ahead as it faces institutional accountability (something missing among coaches). The protect your own mentality is reaping what it has sown. A coach and a priest found guilty on the same day in Pennsylvania — but there is more. 

Earlier this week, our local paper updated the case against Steven Geyer, a former assistant principal of Lancaster Mennonite High School. Geyer confessed to a County Judge that he sexually assaulted male international students from South Korea whom he hosted at his home. He threatened to send them back to their countries if they reported his sexual assaults on them. Religious communities and schools need more internal accountability. Now the government will step in and provide it. 

There seems to be no end to these horrible stories of men sexually assaulting young boys. Parents everywhere will think twice before entrusting their children with authority figures like coaches, priests or even teachers. What a sad reality! 

If you’ve been sexually assaulted, it’s very important to work through your pain with a wise counselor experienced in helping abuse victims. I pray that you will have the courage to confront the past and experience greater levels of freedom from the damaging effects of abuse. As one who has walked closely with others through this process, I assure you that there is hope for a brighter tomorrow!   

Praying for the victims and their families,

Steve Cornell

More Resources:

• See Profile of an abuser
• Hear the powerful story of Michael Reagan here.
• See: Don’t forget victims of sexual assault

 

Profile of an abuser (detect it early)

 

Be careful who you leave your children with. This is at least one take away from high profile sexual abuse cases like the Jerry Sandusky trial. Parents everywhere will be thinking twice before entrusting their children with authority figures like coaches or priests. Parents sometimes trust these people to seek special advantages for their children, but you cannot be too careful these days.

From what I’ve heard and read, I am inclined to believe that former Penn State assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky is guilty of sexually abusing many young boys. As a father of three sons, all of whom were athletes at some level including college, I cannot imagine what I would do if I learned that someone had abused one of my boys. Frankly, it scares me to think about it. Allowing due process of law to settle things would be extremely difficult. I pray for the jury in the Sandusky case to have the necessary information, wisdom and courage to reach the right verdict. I pray even  more for the alleged victims and their families. 

Prosecutors say at least 10 young men were sexually abused by Sandusky. The public focus this case has brought to sexual abuse has been both difficult and helpful to victims in many other places. The painful testimonies of the Sandusky victims have caused some to relive their own abuse and inspired others to deal with their past experiences.

If you’ve been abused, it’s very important for you to process your past with a wise counselor who is experienced in helping abuse victims. I pray that you’ll have the courage necessary to confront the past and experience greater levels of freedom from the damaging effects of abuse. As one who has walked closely with others through this process, I assure you that there is hope for a brighter tomorrow!   

In his book, Mending the Soul: understanding and healing abuse, Steven R. Tracy identified four general characteristics of abusers. If we hope to protect our children and society from abusers,  we need to be aware of the traits that make up the profile of an abuser.

Before outlining this profile, I should say that I have no interested in looking for an abuser behind every bush or being unnecessarily suspicious of those who display these characteristics. Yet I am concerned about the need for parents to know some of the warning signs for protecting their children. And there is another side to the usefulness of this information.

Abusers are typically groomed in particular kinds of homes with specific character traits. Parents must also know how to raise their children to protect them from becoming abusers. They must provide the kind of healthy love and nurture to fortify their children against such evil. Parents need be able to detect early and correct the traits that lead to abusive behavior.

Abusers are groomed by a failure of parents to provide homes of love and discipline where the traits common to abusers are exposed and corrected. And some parents actually display the traits of abusers in their own lives. 

The application of these characteristics extends beyond sexual abuse to all forms of abuse. They are also useful for protecting people who are in potential marriage relationships. If you read what follows and believe the person you’re with is a potential abuser, seek counsel and accountability immediately. Don’t downplay or ignore what you see. Save yourself and many others untold trouble by seeking help from a trusted counselor. 

Four general characteristics of abusers

1. Pervasive denial of responsibility

“The single most consistent characteristic of abusers is their utter unwillingness to accept full responsibility for their behavior.” (Tracy)

Abusers are full of excuses, rationalizations, and justifications for their abusive behavior. They play the blame game by projecting on others responsibility for their actions. 

 2. Bold deceitfulness:

Tracy identified this as a “skill” abusers use to “maintain their innocence, avoid the discomfort of changing long-established patterns of behavior, escape the painful consequences of their actions, assuage their own nagging consciences.”

Abusers create their own self-serving reality and expect others to affirm it. The can be “masterful at manipulating words and actions to confuse, confound, and put others on the defensive.”

3. Harsh judgmentalism:

To deflect attention away from themselves, abusers will often be very judgmental and harsh toward others. They use this mechanism to maintain their “moral facade” and to perpetuate denial of responsibility. They replace their shame with blame to escape a guilty conscience. 

“This harsh judgmentalism is also a godless method for unrepentant abusers to deal with their own shame, much of which is a gracious, God-given, internal witness to their sin…” (Tracy)

Legalistic religious communities can be both breeding grounds and havens of protection for undercover abusers. Communities with gospel clarity where people celebrate God’s grace in a context of humble transparency will not be safe places for abusers.

4. Calculated intimidation:

As can be seen, abusers lives are “built around twisting reality” and “avoiding consequences.” Their weapon of choice for keeping people from knowing the truth about them and their abuse is intimidation. Abusers are notorious for threatening their victims into silence and submission. But they also use what might be viewed as a positive means of manipulation. Abusers target people who are needy or come from difficult homes. They buy them gifts and shower them with affirmation as a means to control and abuse them.

It’s not surprising that some abusers are drawn to religious communities with hierarchies of authority. The Catholic priests who abused young boys leveraged their authority to intimidate their victims. Power without accountability can easily lead to corruption and abuse. The lack of accountability among coaches and in Churches encourage abusers to pursue these contexts.

Additional traits:

An abuser often has an inordinate need for affirmation and praise. This usually connects with deeper levels of insecurity or histories of rejection. It is displayed in a tendency to project onto the words or actions of others motives and messages of acceptance or rejection. Abusers also typically have unhealthy attachment and detachment issues. They generally refuse to seek help and prohibit their victims from seeking help. 

Their deep fear of rejection makes abusers unpredictable and volatile. It’s common for them to carry inner rage that they periodically unleash on those close to them. Not surprisingly, abusers have difficulty admitting to failure or weakness. But, after unleashing rage on others, it’s not uncommon for them to become profusely apologetic to atone for the damage they’ve caused and to manipulate their victims. Any repentance that does not lead to change must be seen as a means of manipulation (see: Seven signs of true repentance).

Some of the characteristics of abusers can be found to certain degrees in most people. Parents must correct their children when they exhibit behaviors associated with abuse. Children learn early in life how to avoid responsibility for their actions, to blame shift and to manipulate those around them — even their parents. Firmly correct them if they tend to bully others to establish feelings of superiority or to make fun of others to feel better about themselves. Help them see through their selfish motivation and lead them to build their security in God’s love displayed in Christ and exemplified through your love for them.

Because abusers prey on vulnerable people, victims often enable their abusers by making excuses for their behavior. If you are doing this, please break free from the deception and recognize that it is neither loving nor wise to allow yourself to remain in an abusive relationship. Insist on getting help whether your abuser is willing or not.

Hear the powerful story of Michael Reagan here.

Steve Cornell   

See: Don’t forget victims of sexual assault

Another suggested list:

CHARACTERISTICS OF AN ABUSER

• Low self-esteem
• Extremely jealous and possessive
• Dual personality – alternating between extreme tenderness and extreme aggressiveness 
• Inability to cope with anger and stress 
•  Extreme mood swings
• Grew up in an abusive home
• Socially isolated – has few friends
• Very poor communication skills
• Suspicious – makes accusations
• Forcefully controlling
• Believes in using violence to solve problems or have fun  
• Abuses alcohol and drugs
• Blames, belittles, humiliates, intimidates, shames and threatens 
• Can be very charismatic